She broke through the crowd with the
expansive, encompassing gesture of a performer announcing her presence on the
stage, with the memorable invocation, “priority boarding”, addressed to nobody
in particular.
He hirpled after, through the sudden space she made between
bodies, conspicuously less conspicuous, clutching the party’s hand luggage. Of
the two, he was done up with more care. Angular spectacles, a grey sprout of a
soul patch beneath his lower lip, trussed up stiffly in a Ted
Baker shirt: an uncomfortable-looking inflexible verticality of stripes,
sleeves rolled down, ending untucked above new jeans. I took him for a flashy
dentist.
His wife was a blonder,
harder-mouthed Maureen Lipman, and firmly in control of the couple’s itinerary.
She’d clearly donned her holiday flowers – a mottled arrangement of insipid
pastels and livid pink, with a sort of pale-khaki coatee – presumably to pull
rank over the vain-seeming hubby whose style little suggested he was shortly to
be crammed into a Ryanair cabin, no doubt disturbing his stripes and the
careful crease of his swank denims.
The passengers have clumped at the gate,
the plane will shortly be shot full of them, the cabin rocked by their ungainly
lobs as outsize bags are pitched into the overhead lockers. But not yet. For now, the way is shut, and vignettes of
middle-age, middle-class angst predominate.
There is much anxious footering.
Although by this point, all will have successfully navigated a score of
portals, terminals and desks, several continue to fondle and squint at their
boarding passes, or cod-mouthed, throw glassy-eyes over the terminal, still half expecting to be on the wrong
flight, or turned away at the gate. Some spice this up by overburdening themselves
with a free copy of the Daily Mail,
snatched up from an unmanned stand.
People leave almost comfortable chairs to
queue precipitously, clutching their luggage for grim death, clearly imagining
that the flight has more travellers booked than seats, and that they risk being left behind. They stand around miserably bored, having
secured the largely pointless but clearly coveted advantage over
their fellow fliers, further back. At this stage, ongoing angst about their travel documents
seems the only means by which the numbing tedium can be alleviated. That and
casting lugubrious looks at the second, shorter “priority boarding queue”, which the Striped Shirt and his sharp-elbowed missus are now ostentatiously wafting about in. Another
woman, with a friendly, ottery face, only now discovers that this flight is
unseated. She is discombobulated, and
proceeds to spend fifteen fascinating minutes, wargaming strategies with her
spouse if they are forced to separate.
None of this, however, for our gallant
couple, who swept through the mob, ghastly figureheads of the Priorities. For the idler, lounging, and
travelling alone, the temptation to rubberneck on your neighbours is acute, and
watching this pair was exceedingly entertaining. For all of their grand gestures, the
self-important look-at-me swish – We are
the Priority Boarders, People of Quality, this Way – they were clearly
gloriously uncomfortable to be flying on Ryanair at all. When asked about their
holiday plans by friendly acquaintances, you can be sure one of them insisted,
“of course we usually – we’d obviously prefer – to travel British Airways – but
there just wasn’t a convenient route, unfortunately”.
Given the company’s advertising, and a few
disrespectful assumptions about this couple’s values, you can see why
participating in its inexpensive import-export regime would threaten a
cherished and cultivated self-image.
Ryanair’s blue and yellow advertising smacks of the polythene bag and the
pound shop. They clung to their
priority, purchased at a princely £5 per ticket, the way a shipwrecked mariner
would stick like a limpet to bobbing jetsam.
It kept their precarious sense of social dignity afloat. We
deprioritised cattle were a marvellous reassurance to them.
As if to underline the point, when the lines
got moving and the flesh was being piped into the plane, each of us were lead
past Mr and Mrs, who were inevitably perched right at the front. Of the two,
her look of self-basting exultation was the more memorable. It came as something of a relief that she
didn’t speak her mind, and bestow self-delighted benedictions on us dawdlers,
bringing comfortably up the rear, “priority boarding”. As I say, when the
lonely traveller’s newspaper is spent of news, he has little enough to
entertain him, but the tiny cues of their extraordinary performance kept me
much diverted.
It isn’t exactly groundbreaking to observe
that anxiety can be monetised, but it was curious to actually observe the
torment and pleasures of its corporate manipulation so starkly and so frankly. Companies and their advertisements are
working this mischief all of the time, with their cyclical damnation-redemption
narratives. “Have you noticed that people think that a perfectly normal feature of
most human bodies like yours is shameful and repulsive?” Intercede, the
Product being flogged. For an ideal,
sustainable market in anxiety, it is important that the Product won’t fix your
problem after one swig, or one lather. Although the corporate conscience wishes that
its tricks were more efficacious, alas, only temporary redemption from the
anxiety and unhappiness they’ve fostered and exploited in you is now possible. At least until the bottle runs out, or the
razor blunts, or the electrics fizzle. And
so repeat.
The sniffish bourgeois affords many
opportunities for canny speculators in status-anxiety. We’ve all seen how supermarkets rolling out
whole lines of premium own-label products – grub, drink and the like – which promotes
reassuring distinctions between your purchases and those of the common man: Finest, Taste the Difference, Extra Special. By no means am I suggesting that these things
are uniformly without incremental culinary
virtues over their other sausages, or sauces, or suchlike - merely that they
appeal to ideas of quality, taste and distinction which are fundamentally
rooted in anxieties about class, not
about the savour of the plate of food being purchased.
What is extraordinary about Ryanair is the
bluntness with which this sort of transaction is made, and the extent to which
some naked investors in the status of a few minutes edge over their fellows, a
choice of seats on a quarter-empty plane, and a flouncing precedence – are
pathetically grateful. Michael O’Leary turned
an easy £20, and Mr and Mrs Khaki-Coatee gained what was clearly for them,
beyond price: a coping mechanism in our airborne cattle-trailer, and an
undisturbed bourgeois conscience.
