16 March 2014

Scotland will be powerless to defend itself against Viking threat

Thunk. The sound of a messenger pigeon, ricochetting off my window. After a sustained lack of correspondence, my old friend and associate Ecclefechan Mackay (MA) of the Kinlochbervie Chronicle has been in touch with a copy of his latest edition. As ever, the pre-eminent political correspondent in the north west leads the way, with a marvellous scoop about the latest threat fatally undermining the credibility of the case for independence. By contrast, it makes this Telegraph tale looking piffling.  
Scotland will be powerless to defend itself against Viking threat 
Kinlochbervie Chronicle, 17th March 2014
Ecclefechan Mackay (MA), Political Correspondent
Resurgent Viking forces would pillage an independent Scotland's wealthy monasteries and coastal towns, independent experts have today confirmed.  Writing in the Kinlochbervie Chronicle, retired Vice-Admiral of the Pink Sir Wimple Stanley-Whipshot warns that a separate Scotland would "struggle" to preserve its maritime boundaries and historical treasures from the predations of larcenous Danes, Swedes and Norwegians after independence.  

It is understood that the National Museums of Scotland have begun piling their artefacts in preparation for the homicidal surge of Northmen "likely" to engulf the capital on or around the 19th of September 2014. Museum and gallery staff have been offered complementary gym memberships to prepare them for the heavy lifting and indentured servitude liable to accompany the reaving longship fleet.  

A spokesman for the the Catholics Bishops' Conference of Scotland has also confirmed that "non-essential illuminators and scriviners" are already being evacuated from the Church's frontline monasteries "as a precaution against separation," along with key texts and manuscripts.  Sources close to Archbishop Leo Cushley have privately confirmed that disgraced former Cardinal Keith O'Brien has been retained as a last line of defence at one threatened religious installation in the north east, having been granted rudimentary weapons training by special papal dispensation earlier in the year. 

A loophole in NATO membership rules means that States are solely responsible for their coastal defences where their attackers do not have access to black-powder weapons. Giving evidence at Westminster's Scottish Affairs Committee last week, Professor Adam Tomkins of the University of Glasgow accused the SNP government of "reckless disregard for the security of the realm", confirming that battleaxes and broadswords are not covered by the defence treaty. 

Under European Union law, pillaging Norsemen are guaranteed free movement of persons and capital within Scottish borders and are entitled to free instruction in our institutions of higher education. In a controversial judgment last year, the European Court of Justice in Brussels confirmed this includes the right to ransack and despoil public and private libraries, after a complaint by Danish citizen Ivar the Boneless. 
The Court also held that monastic attempts to restrain the exercise of these rights amounted to an unlawful "restriction on exports", justifying Ivar's use of lethal force. The Chief Abbot of the Order of Agatha the Unbalanced, deceased, has since apologised to the sailor, 6' 9". 

In a dramatic new development, President of the European Commission Jose Manuel Barroso weighed in to endorse Vice-Admiral Stanley-Whipshot's assessment of the risks of separation. Barroso, who spent much of his youth serving as an able seaman in a rum sloop trading in the South China seas, told the Chronicle "these are the rules of the club. A separate Scotland can't expect any special treatment."

However, pro-independence commentators point to the 1263 Battle of Largs as evidence that a separate Scotland could hold its own against the any woollen-wear and open-sandwich based coastal insurgency. Professor Stark Richardy of the respected Neil Oliver Centre for the Study of Scottish Antiquities commented "In the 13th century, we repulsed the invaders employing only a stern look and a placatory macaroni pie. I'd expect Scotland to appeal to the same defence resources after independence, with the same success."
An SNP spokesman said: "this is yet more scaremongering from Project Fear. The Deputy First Minister has made a careful study of the tactics of Danish warrior-queen Birgitte Nyborg over many months. In the unlikely event of a raid, Scottish forces will be well placed to repulse the Scandinavian assault." It is understood that contingency plans are already in place to take Lesley Riddoch into custody "within hours" of a Yes vote.
Responding to these Scottish Government defence plans, Sir Wimple Stanley-Whipshot told the Chronicle: "it's too little, too late. Alex Salmond is always bleating on about his Scandinavian vision for a separate Scotland. Now we know what he means. Blood in the snow, salt-water in the communion wine, and cold steel in the bosoms of our womenfolk. It's just not on."


  1. Ahhh....

    I just knew Nichola wasn't wasting her time on these Scandanavian noir dramas.

    It is perfectly clear that if the evil witch Sidse Babett Knudsen stood for election in an independent Scotland we would all be seduced by her smile! What then? Bacon sarnies at giveaway prices and an ethical foreign policy? I quiake in my boots.

    I expect that ice melt to the North will make us more vulnerable to mad attacks by sushi vendors and Chinese Restaurant conglamorates. These are the forces of global domination that concern both my good self and a certain retired Vice Admiral.

    Be scared, be very very scared!

  2. I've started honing my sword and whittling schiltron spears in preparation.
    Alba gu bragh!