29 January 2012

KC: "Bosoms to 'drastically downswing' in independent Scotland..."

Are we going to experience an exodus of loincloth magnates? Today, the Sunday Times report that "Scottish lingerie tycoon Michelle Mone has threatened to move to England if Scotland votes for independence." Unfortunately, this does not seem like an isolated development. Reading the Mone story this morning, I was struck by its similarity to this piece from the Kinlochbervie Chronicle earlier in this week. I repeat it for your interest and concern. Pro-nationalists, keen on underpants vendors, lament...

Bosoms to "drastically downswing" in independent Scotland
Ecclefechan Mackay (MA), Political Correspondent

Kinlochbervie frontless-backless-strap tycoon Michael Moan has today threatened to move to England if Scotland votes for independence. Mr Moan, co-owner of BDSM Subnational and creator of lingerie brand Croccelesso told the Chronicle he feels his business could not survive in an independent Scotland as "everything would go tits up". "It would murder my market", Moan insists, adding that he would "impersonally" move his company to Berwick and "wouldn't sling a scabby thong over the border" if Scotland became independent.

Moan's comments have been seized upon by Unionist politicians, who argue that they make the "positive case for the Union". The SNP has traditionally struggled to attract the support of what one party insider called "the traditional, West Central Scotland sag-teated demographic". It is understood that serious concerns are being expressed in private among senior Nationalists about the party's level of support amongst aubergine-chested women susceptible to further "subsidence". Pro-Union forces hope to capitalise on this weakness and seize back the political momentum from Alex Salmond.  A senior strategist in the emerging "No" campaign said "all the polls show that the SNP are and will struggle to convince women to support independence. It is now becoming clear that a vote for separation is a vote for terminal udder slumpage. Moan's intervention is seriously bad news for the First Minister."

Appealing to female voters to "reject separatism", Scottish Liberal Democrat leader Wallie Ronnie added "The SNP not only want to separate us from the UK, but to separate Scottish women from the pert mammaries which only the Union's frilly undergirding can secure. It is absolutely right for Mr Moan to point out this elementary fact."

In Kinlochbervie today, is understood that sales of Moan's lingerie lines have exploded, with concerned teuchters "stocking up" in response to the tycoon's promise to leave the country. Speaking outside the post office and clutching ten pairs of "Midnight Fantasy" double laced halterneck brasiers, Jeanie McFadyen, 58, expressed mounting concerns about the implications of independence for her thorax. "Would you support it if you knew it meant you'd have to drag your bosom through the gutter every time you try to nip out for a pint of milk?"

"The way my bust is going, by the time 2014 comes around my nipples will be so squint, on a dark night you could mistake my tits for Marty Feldman."


  1. Nah she is just getting some free advertising for her new set of bloomers.

  2. Ecclefechan Mackay (or, as he is affectionately known in the Northern Cape, “that Fechan Mackay”) has his finger, as ever, on something important. Perhaps he could tell us whether the manufacture of cod pieces like this will also disappear from an independent Scotland. That would certainly, for many of us, be the best reason that has so far emerged for voting No.

  3. Robert - surely cod pieces will be subject to EU fishing quotas and an independent Scotland would get a greater share under CAP?

  4. That'll be sales of Playtex up in Scotland then, the bra that lifts and separates...

  5. If you ask me it's all a storm in a bra cup.

  6. talk about taking the huff puff!

  7. Well there is no one better placed to judge if the economy is going to go tits up under Eck

  8. Come to think of it, TITS UP UNDER ECK would be a good title for a porn movie set in Scotland. But who would play the Dear Leader?

  9. imho it is merely an attempt to get a negative reaction from nationalists and then point the finger and say look how nasty they are picking on that poor woman. i know i reacted to it til i thought about it. not going to give them the satisfaction of being dragged down to their level (well atleast i'm not now, going to think more before reacting)

  10. Some support for the unionists? Seems to be holding up ok.....

    (enough, where's me coat?)

  11. top story on bbc jockland web pages
    means they don't have to mention that express poll

  12. These comments were made pre-2007 election btw.

    It would be good to get a handle on how she views her assets this weather.

    I'd volunteer.

  13. She said the same prior to 2007 - if the SNP are elected I'll leave Scotlnd. Didn't happen. I doubt it would happen with independence either. She may be a Unionist but would she really be prepared to take a considerable financial hit to prove it? It would actually cost her a fair whack to relocate her business and make all her Scottish-based staff redundant.

  14. Indy - yes I have the impression that she is a good employer and if push came to shove she would stay.

    Joking aside, her statement is a very timely reminder that however the referendum goes there are going to be a lot of disappointed people on the losing side in Scotland - a legacy of bitterness that will likely be exacerbated by triumphalism.

  15. Groundskeeper Willie30 January 2012 at 10:19

    Edwin Moore

    'Joking aside, her statement is a very timely reminder that however the referendum goes there are going to be a lot of disappointed people on the losing side in Scotland - a legacy of bitterness that will likely be exacerbated by triumphalism.'

    Maybe that's why Salmond said that a referendum could only be held once in a generation.

    But there again he did say he wouldn't stand for leadership of the party again after standing down.