1 April 2011

Labour seek to work Scotland's "dead" vote...

I read this fascinating report this morning in the north west's redoubtable rag, the Kinlochbervie Chronicle. The headline trumpets Labour seek to work Scotland's "dead" vote...

By our political correspondent, Ecclefechan McKay.

The Holyrood election kicked off in earnest this week, with the four First Ministerial hopefuls making their case before a specially selected audience in Glasgow. Many observers noted the Labour leader's bilious appearance on the night, described by an SNP spokesman as "green about the gills". However, sources close to the Scottish Labour leadership confirm that Gray's "mortician chic" look had been orchestrated quite deliberately by party advisers.

A key Labour staffer told the Kinlochbervie Chronicle "our research clearly shows that if this election was taking place just 30 years ago, we'd easily win. It's totally legitimate for us to explore ways to energise our dead base in this election." Labour's Scottish Parliament campaign coordinator, John Park, told us "I think dead voters are totally fed up of the SNP's metropolis-biases. Labour has always spoken up for the underprivileged and spoken out against inequality. We're the natural voice of Scotland's necropolis and the SNP know this. That's why they're running scared of fair votes for our departed fathers, and grandfathers."

After the debate, there were signs that the Labour strategy was working. One zombie audience member who asked not to be named, Norman McPherson 1922 -1978, groaned "I want to be able to vote for a guy I can go down the mortuary with and enjoy a pint of formaldehyde. With his waxy, cadaverous appearance and graveside aubergine ties, Iain Gray's the First Minister for me." Another Motherwell man told us "My dad was a worker. He always voted Labour and always will. His tragic death last year won't change that..."

Labour's latest Holyrood strategy is directly inspired by the daisy-root American "majority rights" campaign. The Undeadist Movement seeks to apply political pressure to Congress, local State Houses and Courts - to overturn the "totally prejudicial, almost racist" exclusion of the dead from the popular franchise. The Undeadists' Chicago organiser, Talbot Stuffler, argues that "extending the vote on fair terms to our dead fellow citizens is a civil rights issue. We must end this political apartheid, and live up to Barack Obama's promise of a more perfect Union, for both living and dead citizens of this troubled, overtaxed Republic."

Republican Presidential hopeful, Sarah Palin, has already endorsed the Movement. Speaking at a rally in New York, attended by a thronging crowd of at least ten dead activists, she said "Our founding fathers based this nation on the principle of no taxation without representation. Democrats in Washington think they should be entitled to help themselves to your hard earned dollars, simply because your heart has stopped. It's un-American. That's why I'll be standing by your coffinsides all the way, arguing the common sense case, speaking about traditional values. Its time for the forgotten generations to take back America."

Back in Scotland, Iain Gray admitted "We've been looking very closely at the tactics used by the Undeadist movement. The dead are Scots too and Labour will always challenge Alex Salmond's narrow nationalism that neglects the clear majority of Labour-supporting Scots who have gone to their eternal reward".


  1. Labour's dead vote doesn't concern me half as much as their 'undead' vote.

  2. GrassyKnollington1 April 2011 at 12:31

    Ha ha, love it. Someone wrote on a blog the other day that ahead of Tuesday's debate, Iain Gray had a fight with an STV make-up artist and lost.

    With Jim Murphy coming up the rear with a scythe, the Grey man surely can't loose.

  3. V good. Reminiscent of Brian O'Nolan.

  4. Well well indeed yes, my granny was running on the hill this morning and still had her white winter coat on when she was accosted by a Labour bean sith (I think it was a Glaswegian with a runny nose and an Irish name)asking for her vote but she refused hearing my cries of:"Ruith seanamhair ruith" that often saved the day in Gaelic's true stories of hare's breadth encounters..

  5. What a Foolish Labour idea?

  6. Labour have been exploiting the dead vote for years. Remember the 1979 referendum with it's 40% rule? Dead people aren't remover from the electoral roll until the next update comes around, so everyone who died before the referendum was counted as voting against.

    Labour also has form for stuffing the ballot boxes with the votes of people they know have died but are still on the register.

  7. CRAP

    It is a deid poll system

  8. Entertaining, brilliant!

    Labour are no more socialist than Maggie Thatcher.

    Time to get rid of this English, class based political system and have a superior Free Scotland with free press and TV, fed up with being bombarded with unionist propaganda