15 April 2014

Expert blasts "reckless" SNP royal policy

Disaster on disaster. While in the pages of Daily Telegraph the First Sealord warns that independence would hull our maritime security below the waterline, in the Kinlochbervie Chronicle this morning, Ecclefechan Mackay (MA) writes of the latest calamity to engulf the Yes campaign. This band of jokers. What are they like?

Expert blasts "reckless" SNP royal policy Kinlochbervie Chronicle, 15th April 2014

The Yes camp was thrown into disarray last night as a leading royal expert blasted the SNP's policy of retaining the monarchy as a "reckless gamble with the security of western Europe". In a speech today to the respected Brookings bar and grill, Washington county Durham, Nicholas Witchell will argue that "all recent European experience tells us that pooling the sovereign doesn't work without a political union", warning that "a cataclysmic succession crisis is inevitable" if Scotland splits.

In a combative speech, Witchell, a former senior BBC royal correspondent, argues that retaining the Queen as head of state will "embolden the forces of darkness" in the House of Windsor, increasing the likelihood of intra-family poisonings and assassinations "tenfold". "The only thing keeping Princess Anne's dagger out of Charles' belly is our shared commitment to primogeniture under the secure umbrella of a shared UK Act of Settlement," he will say. "A separate kingdom puts all that at risk." Witchell will also point to the 1701 Scottish resistance to the imposition of the Hanoverian line of succession and the controversial, unsanctioned 1651 coronation of Charles II in Scotland, as evidence that a separate Scotland would "inevitably" destabilise the ruling house, "emboldening our enemies" in the rival courts of Europe. 

Citing security concerns, Buckingham Palace refused to provide details of the monarch's contingency planning in the event of a Yes vote. However, sources close to Her Majesty reveal that murder holes are already being installed in all palace bedrooms and the heir to the throne will be obliged to wear a protective chainmail coif and steel-forged breastplate at all times. The level of Prince Charles' lamprey consumption will also be monitored regularly by royal officials. It is understood that Baron Foulkes of Cunnock has been informally approached to serve as "Taster of the King's Vittles and Inspector of the Royal Privy."

However, experts have questioned whether these measures go far enough to avert the inevitable game of thrones that will grip Britain after a Yes vote. It is understood that Princess Royal, known for her affection for Scotland and private support for secession, has already begun to take soundings on the possibility of being appointed Queen in the North in her own right.  

The embattled pro-independence campaign has also been urged by its opponents to produce a "Plan B", in the event that the entire British royal household is exterminated in a bloody massacre by one of their sworn but treacherous bannermen.  "This is yet more bluff and bluster from Alex Salmond", deputy Labour leader Ser Anas Sarwar MP said. "The First Minister is only too willing to put Scotland's head on the block in pursuit of his unsafe, uncosted royal policy. The irresponsibility of the Nationalists is limitless."

Dr Augustus Troutmark, Early Modern Professor of Political Murder at the University of Edinburgh, endorsed the royal commentator's critical analysis. "Let's be honest. It is extremely difficult to envisage any scenario in which a conniving, homicidal hunchback could be prevented from assassinating his royal nephews and seizing the throne in an independent Scotland." 

The Duke of York was unavailable for comment. 


  1. I long for the days when nobility, economically debilitated by unapproved neighbourly incursions into their cattle territory, dispatched each other with a haste, Parliamentary Committees can only dream of.

  2. Warlike autocracy has its efficiency savings.

  3. 'Witchell will also point to the 1701 Scottish resistance to the imposition of the Hanoverian line of succession'

    Maister Witchell is awa' wi' the pixies, my Lord Braxworrier. The Southron Tories were just as fashed as oor poor hielan' brethren o'er the Germans and the Oath, but many Scotch proddies saw advantages.

    'the controversial, unsanctioned 1651 coronation of Charles II in Scotland, '

    Weel as yon Erse scamp James Joyce was wont to say, the Stewarts may be a dwindling asset in Scotland, but an asset nonetheless -

    Poor sister Scotland! Her doom is fell;
    She cannot find any more Stuarts to sell.

  4. How can I put this, the Queen will be welcome as long as it takes for a democratic decision on whether she stays Head of State or not. I have always considered that we, the sma' folk of Scotland just let the nobility get on with the assassinations that they perpetrated on each other whilst we got on with existing. Well I think after 1707 and the past 307 years, we have some what changed our minds and I doubt we will give them what they consider their due. I think like the French we will let them call themselves anything they like, but they will be just like the rest of Jock Tamson's bairns where we are concerned and that just might not suit oor Charlie.

    1. And as I've argued elsewhere before, there are things we can do after a Yes vote to ensure that the monarchical nature of the constitution is marginalised by republican values, retain the throne and magic hat or not.