17 July 2012

"Crack Womble squad drafted in to protect Olympics..."

Damn this deluge.  A drear summer has many victims.  The saddest, for me, was the interruptions to the delivery of my copies of the Kinlochbervie Chronicle which this wretched rain has imposed. Happily, today's blue sky has permitted one of Ecclefechan Mackay's carrier pigeons to reach Glasgow, dry. With him, he brought the following startling report on the state of Olympic security in London.  Say what you like about Theresa May, at least she's finally got this mess well in hand.

"Crack Womble squad drafted in to protect Olympics"
by Ecclefechan Mackay, Chief Political Correspondent
Kinlochbervie Chronicle 17th July 2012

The Home Secretary has moved to reassert her beleaguered authority today, by drafting in a crack squad to reinforce the depleted Olympics security forces. The Wombles, a London-based security cooperative, will step in to provide five hundred "fully-armed, combat-trained, burrow-dwelling" guards to make up the shortfall in army, police and G4S security forces keeping order in the capital over the coming weeks. 

Experienced providers of "conflict-based compliance solutions", the Wombles' past employers include the Toyland police authorities and the British East India Company. Charged with maintaining order during the tumultuous fraud trial of Noddy, Toyland's deposed former prime minister, the Wombles earned a reputation for the discipline and efficiency of their cosh work. When Noddy was convicted and executed for his crimes in 2011, just eighteen Toylanders were killed and over fifty injured in the subsequent riots.  

In a statement to the House of Commons, Home Secretary Theresa May told MPs that the company's chief executive, Great Uncle Bulgaria, had given her assurances that the firm would deliver Olympics security "on time, on budget, and armed to the teeth".  May continued, "The Wombles do wonderful work, simultaneously improving the urban environment and crushing public disorder. They are civic minded yet severe.  I am confident that the Olympics will be safe in the iron grip of their fuzzy, wuzzy paws".  A spokesman for David Cameron added, "the Prime Minister has admired the company's ethos for some time. This sort of socially-responsible enterprise is the big society in action."

Welcoming May's announcement, green campaigners hailed the Wombles' "sustainable, ecologically sensitive" approach to delivering state-sponsored oppression. The company's "make do and mend" philosophy turns used condoms, hypodermic needles and polystyrene kebab boxes harvested from urban brownfield sites into rubber bullets, stun grenades and watercannons. Dr Mike Batt, a researcher at the Polytoyn-B Research Institute, told the Chronicle "the company really make good use of the things that they find, things that the everyday folks leave behind." Commenting, the security firm's chief engineer expressed  confidence that the Wombles' working methods and equipment make them a "good fit" for the Olympic job. "Make good use of bad rubbish, that's our motto", Tobermory said.

Ministry of Defence sources have confirmed that "the majority" of military hardware lost over the last fifty years have found their way into the Wombles' possession. Stored in the unit's base of operations in an undisclosed location somewhere in or around Wimbledon Common, their armoury is understood to include at least two Eurofighter Typhoon warplanes and an original 1916 British Mk I tank.  "It turns out that the Wombles are better equipped than most of our infantry regiments these days", Batt continued.

However, the deployment additional Womble forces has not been universally welcomed. It is understood that Bick Nuckles, operator a lucrative range of protection rackets in South London, was not consulted by the Minister before the new appointment was made.  Sources close to Nuckles suggest that his senior staff feel "humiliated and undermined" by May's move.

An independent security analyst confirmed "This should really put their G4S at a peep".


  1. Great Uncle Bulgaria would have done better in front of the Committee today!

  2. Apparently, they are being trained at a secret facility near Tobermory

  3. But is there any truth to the rumour that Gargamel has been recruited as a consultant?

  4. James,

    I shall sent to Ecclefechan Mackay by quick homing pigeon, and see if he's heard any scuttlebutt about that. Mind you, a little bird once told me that Gargamel got out of the smurf-oppressing business when he ceased to be Secretary of State for Scotland on the 1st of May 1997...

  5. Great Uncle Bulgaria is sadly not alive in this time line.