2 January 2011


In other news, my friends over at the Kinlochbervie Chronicle forwarded me this leaked internal Scottish Labour Party  document, which purports to outline their electoral strategy for 2011, apparently composed by the party's campaign coordinator, John Park MSP. Smuggled out of John Smith House by a peat-stained operative (who only escaped by clinging to the underside of Andy Kerr), the document confirms that Park intends to run a "through the looking glass" Holyrood campaign which will focus on the decapitation of Alex Salmond - who will be vilified as a monstrous figure - followed by a series of curious and eccentric incidents involving senior Labour party figures. The report confirms unpublicised fears, overheard by a long-lugged Kinlochbervie Chronicle journalist in his local hostelry, that Labour is concerned that their Justice spokesman Richard Baker might accidentally re-rail the campaign by using intemperate or fat-headed phrases. Park proposes to minimise the risk by reducing Baker's explanations of his policy brief to issuing cries of "Off with his head!" at regular intervals. Stunning revelations, all. Other Parky memos to be leaked across the year include Alex's Adventures in Wonderland and in a less well known, psephological work, Ecklid and his Modern Rivals.


~ John Park MSP

’Twas Reekie, and the sloothy coves
Did oomf and burble in the 'Rood;
All flipsy were the Michael Goves,
And the gnome hacks outskewed.

“Beware the Jabbereck, my son!
Guffaws that slight! the jowls that slap!
Beware yon Sturgeon bird, and shun
The frumious Cybernats!”

Gray took his vorpal wit in gob:
Long time the Ecksome foe he sought —
So rested he up a Glesca tree,
And slumped awhile, all fraught.

And as in girnish thought he docked,
The Jabbereck, who bulged below,
Came whiffling with a ballot box,
And burbled as he stowed!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
Their witty-woos went snicker-sloop!
I'll kill him big, and with his gig
Galumphingly I'll troupe!

“And will't thou tan the Jabbereck?
Come to my arms, my beamish Gray!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
We'll chortle in our joy.

’Twas Reekie, and the sloothy coves
Did oomf and burble in the 'Rood;
All flipsy were the Michael Goves,
And the gnome hacks outskewed.


  1. Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

  2. It strikes me that "the Snark" rather nicely captures Mr Gray's own demeanour, caught between his "snarl" and "nark". Perhaps Fortune will smile on me, and a copy of the SNP's stratagem Hunting the Snark will escape from party headquarters in due course...

  3. There was an auld woman frae Holyrood

    Who thought, fuckitall, I will be rude

    I won't be bitter

    Nor a bullshitter

    Oh my God: My party is screwed...

  4. 'Ware, good man Conan! Bella might take agin you for calling her decrepit. She's only just left her fifties, after all. And all of those scones and tablet blocks she makes must surely have produced mightily brawny biceps, the better to bludgeon you with...

  5. Alas Lallands, Being bludgeoned by 'bella's blocky biceps bothers me not...Pant... I'm all alliterated out.

  6. LoL. Sprayed keyboard.

    But not that way...

  7. With grave misgivings in attributing the words of Hugh MacDiarmid to the hapless Gray - hardly a change need be made to "The Bubblyjock", or perhaps The Blunderyjock as the Gray appears unable to get "oot a richt note" despite "raxin it's chouks"?

  8. A delightful little discovery, Clardina! I had no idea that the Scots word for a turkey was a "bubbly jock"...

    It’s hauf like a bird and hauf like a bogle
    And juist stands in the sun there and bouks.
    It’s a wunder its heid disna burst
    The way it’s aye raxin its chouks.

    Syne it twists its neck like a serpent
    But canna get oot a richt note
    For the bubblyjock swallowed the bagpipes
    And the blether stuck in its throat.

  9. I am told the DoDo became extinct because it was so stupid it was so easy to capture, kill and eat. Tasty too by all reports. That is raw Darwinism at work.

    You would have thought by now that the Holyrood , Labour front bench would have suffered the same fate.

    It appears that their profound depths of stupidity have yet to be plumbed.

    As for catching the buggers, brown envelopes seem to be de rigeur with cached video cameras.

    Pity we have no free Press to do the business.

  10. You have far too much time on your hands.

    Or a terrible case of procrastination.

  11. Calum,

    You say that as if it is a bad thing! I concede, I keep myself easily amused...

  12. Brilliant LPW.
    You could have started a trend in poetic political blogs.

    Unfortunately I have to be going out so I only have time for a couple of lines..

    The boy sat on the burning Eck

    whom all but he had fed....

    back later....