"The spiritual hunger of Sunny! and Sheer"...

I spotted this article in the Oban Times last week, but unfortunately I've discovered that it isn't available online. It struck me as an interesting example of Scotland's capacity to attract international interest and outward investment. I trust that the goodly scribes at the Times will thus forgive me for replicating their piece in its entirety.

The Spiritual Hunger of Sunny! and Sheer

A prominent American Faith Group that promises weight loss in exchange for adopting the sinless lifestyle of its church members has extended its operations into Oban.

The Church of the Fatter Made Saints draws its authority directly from John 8:7 where Jesus was reported to observe “let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.” Managing Director of the American Church, Pastor Wardrobe Phelps, 120kg, said “There is clear Biblical evidence for the existence of a sin to fatness ratio. God’s punishments upon the wicked are manifold. Sins of the flesh are punished by flesh. Scripture is quite clear on this. So long as America continues to spit in the face of Jehovah, as Ezekiel 34:03 makes clear, it will remain a fountain of lard till the Day of Judgment. Its in this spirit of ecumenical trimming that we’ve opened up our first Scotch branch.” It is understood that the Church have rented premises on Oban's attractive waterfront and intend to embark on mining Scotland's world-leading seam of obesity in the new year.

Several members of the church have already reported significant weight-loss. However, some experts have disputed the permanency of the holy mass reductive methods. Professor Moan Chompy, of Edinburgh's Polytoyn-B Research Institute, commented “Although I’m not a doctor, I think it is reasonably clear that any ostensible weight loss is simply fat displacement. If you peel back the skull, I bet you it’ll reveal a significant increase in fatty deposits around the brain. That’s my best guess anyway.” Amongst the Church’s dogma, the most hotly disputed concerns the effectiveness of sinlessness in European dieting. Pastor Phelps argues that “The Bible is sparklingly clear on this point. Its “stone” not kilogram, or whatever you heretics use. Jesus sanctioned Imperial Measure only. No weight-loss-benefit will arise from sinlessness which tugs the teat of the Madonna by using such unhallowed measuring techniques.”

However, a breakaway Chapter of the Church have denounced the Pastor’s remarks as too “Sheer”. The dissident “Sunnys!” argue that the “Sheerites”, still loyal to Phelps, are themselves mistaken, and that “kilogram” is in fact closer to the divinely sponsored Greek in which John composed the director’s cut of “the Bible”. Their leader in Britain, Father Medulla Oblongata-Sowed, is billed to address the Conservative Party Conference later this year and has already praised Lord Tebbit, 3kgs, for “finally drawing public attention to the proved causal link between habitual sodomy and childhood obesity.”