Abiding readers may well recall that before Christmas, I launched my very own bothy industry, keen to make enough filthy lucre to participate in the Big Society. My product? The hand-crafted "Trump". As I explained in November, the creative process was a fraught one, but at length, my inner entrepreneur flowered...
But what, pray, what could Peat Worrier Industries manufacture? Endless reams of prose, certainly, but the market for that is already saturated. Many angsty nights were spent locked in my bothy, as innovation and enterpreneurship ate away at my cranium. Such was my focus, such was my indifference to sustenance, that I hardly noticed the friendly spider at my knee, who wove her web across the tumshie I intended to boil for breakfast the following morning. Blessed arachnid she was, no doubt the great-great-great-great granddaughter of the eight-legged belle who taught Robert the Bruce the virtues of patience and perseverance! Glimmering beads of dew flickered in the dawnlight that illuminated the webly comb-over which covered my turnip's nakedness. And then I knew. Knew all at once that my commercial mission was to produce an artisan-branded Scottish alternative to conquer the fevered epilators of our hair-fearing, crotch-tugging, wax-wielding world!
Whether it is the humble deforestation of the peeled bikini-line, or more creative alternatives, it struck me that increasingly head hairstyles were being replicated in the pubic coiffure market. The Mowhawk migrated south, both figuratively and literally, coming to be known alternatively as "French" waxing, while (baldy men rejoice!) slap-patery was itself glorified in hairlessness of a "full Brazilian" or "Hollywood" style wax. In Scotland, it struck me that we have a style of our own which the cunning pubic-rearranging souls of the world's salons have not yet embraced. Football fans will know it as the "Archie Macpherson". My spider spun it across the humble turnip. To aid our expansion into the U.S. market, I call it "the Trump".
Inspired by the generosity which is at the heart of the big society, "the Trump" will not impoverish the loins of its wearers with paltry landing-strip sculpting, but will instead form a lush one-sided bushel which lucky customers can then comb across the relevant portions of their anatomy. Both snug and aesthetically pleasing, Peat Worrier Industries will offer a range of exciting products, including bespoke "Full Trump" extensions to allow the customer to boast a pubic comb-over in the man himself's trademark copper-blonde-um-ish hue. Alternatively, why not consider our fully-organic, locally-sourced "Natural Trump" lovingly fitted by our fully-trained artisans to you own preferred colour scheme? With Christmas coming up, bring the jolly spirit of a vain but balding Santa Claus into your home by investing in our festive, ivory Santa "Novelty Trump" for the Winterval season! And coming soon, a limited edition run of "Real Trumps", which will incorporate a hair or two from the great man himself, hand-picked from his pillow during one of Donald's recent visits to Fair Scotia. All Trump related fibres fairly traded from local hotel workers. Prices begin from £29.99. At least 1.45% of total profits to go to Big Society projects within ten years.
Looking about, society already feels embiggened by my efforts. Since the egregious man himself has got his phizog in the press again of late, in part by running to be the Republican Party's candidate for President of the United States, in part because of the only-thinly-veiled racism of his Birtherism, it would be commercially remiss of me, not to update you all on the exciting range of new models from Peat Worrier Industries' spring and summer collection. Unfortunately, our ivory "Novelty Trump" line has been discontinued. However, despair not! It has been replaced by an exciting, estival range of alternative "Trumps" for all social occasions, from delightful garden parties to the July funeral of a close friend or relation. We are delighted to be able to offer the light-weight, all-purpose "Summer Trump" for a competitive £39.75 (excluding VAT). Inspired by picturesque scenes of thatched roofs on round-bellied, ivy-covered cottages, the "Summer Trump" includes fine, golden threads of straw and is the ideal Trump to wear to a summer picnic, the regatta or simply relaxing in your Aberdeenshire garden with a pint of Pimms.
Want to commemorate the Royal Wedding in style? Looking for a memorable gift to show your significant other what they really mean to you? Why not invest in our matching his-and-hers "Will and Kate Trumps". This top-of-the-range pair are crafted using only the finest filaments, handpulled by Trumping practitioners of at least ten years experience. Whether it is the timeless elegance of the patchy and thinning yellow of the "Will", or the lush chestnut of the "Kate", our Regal Trumps will allow you to enter a right royal end-off, confident of the superiority of your pubic mound. (N.B. Crown accessories not included).
Do you live in the West End of Glasgow? Concerned that the common-or-garden Trump, despite its artisan quality, shan't impress your edgy, artistic friends? Peat Worrier Industries has an exclusive solution to your embarrassing bourgeois problem! Why not try our avant-garde line of "No Trumps"? Inspired by the work of René Magritte, the "No Trump" unites the fine quality and threadcount one expects from "the Trump", with a hand-stitched inscription in Egyptian silk in the colour of your choice, reading "Ceci n'est pas un Trump..." This combination of surrealism and quality craftsmanship will leave even your most arch, theatre-going associates speechless.
So don't delay. Order your Trump today!