KC: "Bosoms to 'drastically downswing' in independent Scotland..."

Are we going to experience an exodus of loincloth magnates? Today, the Sunday Times report that "Scottish lingerie tycoon Michelle Mone has threatened to move to England if Scotland votes for independence." Unfortunately, this does not seem like an isolated development. Reading the Mone story this morning, I was struck by its similarity to this piece from the Kinlochbervie Chronicle earlier in this week. I repeat it for your interest and concern. Pro-nationalists, keen on underpants vendors, lament...

Bosoms to "drastically downswing" in independent Scotland

Ecclefechan Mackay (MA), Political Correspondent

Kinlochbervie frontless-backless-strap tycoon Michael Moan has today threatened to move to England if Scotland votes for independence. Mr Moan, co-owner of BDSM Subnational and creator of lingerie brand Croccelesso told the Chronicle he feels his business could not survive in an independent Scotland as "everything would go tits up". "It would murder my market", Moan insists, adding that he would "impersonally" move his company to Berwick and "wouldn't sling a scabby thong over the border" if Scotland became independent.

Moan's comments have been seized upon by Unionist politicians, who argue that they make the "positive case for the Union". The SNP has traditionally struggled to attract the support of what one party insider called "the traditional, West Central Scotland sag-teated demographic". It is understood that serious concerns are being expressed in private among senior Nationalists about the party's level of support amongst aubergine-chested women susceptible to further "subsidence". Pro-Union forces hope to capitalise on this weakness and seize back the political momentum from Alex Salmond.  A senior strategist in the emerging "No" campaign said "all the polls show that the SNP are and will struggle to convince women to support independence. It is now becoming clear that a vote for separation is a vote for terminal udder slumpage. Moan's intervention is seriously bad news for the First Minister."

Appealing to female voters to "reject separatism", Scottish Liberal Democrat leader Wallie Ronnie added "The SNP not only want to separate us from the UK, but to separate Scottish women from the pert mammaries which only the Union's frilly undergirding can secure. It is absolutely right for Mr Moan to point out this elementary fact."

In Kinlochbervie today, is understood that sales of Moan's lingerie lines have exploded, with concerned teuchters "stocking up" in response to the tycoon's promise to leave the country. Speaking outside the post office and clutching ten pairs of "Midnight Fantasy" double laced halterneck brasiers, Jeanie McFadyen, 58, expressed mounting concerns about the implications of independence for her thorax. "Would you support it if you knew it meant you'd have to drag your bosom through the gutter every time you try to nip out for a pint of milk?"

"The way my bust is going, by the time 2014 comes around my nipples will be so squint, on a dark night you could mistake my tits for Marty Feldman."